See this whale swim.

My mind has been surging forward lately.  Mentally I have broken through the dense haze that could have been the heat spell, could have been the hormones, and could have just been life.

I am seeing, enjoying, feeling, laughing more.

Somehow, my body has been left miserably behind.

Is it really possible, that I am growing something inside me? We had an ultrasound this week. The technician showed me our child’s brain.

I commented out loud, “Here I think I am just doing the dishes, and picking up toys, and yet my body is busy growing brain cells that will someday make something think and move. Whoa.”

So I am growing something. But I feel like the really sad potted basil on my back porch that I spent all summer watering, and then abandoned to this “cooler weather.” (cough cough…still 80’s).

We went for a hike today, per my request to “see the whales.” We climbed a familiar path straddling ocean views, and mountain views to get to our perch. It seemed, we weren’t the only ones with the idea. Like lemmings we herded ourselves with other hopefuls who carried camera’s, binoculars, and small children.

We walk a good clip, Jace and I. Even with Belle in the backpack and me with the baby bump we passed quite a few groups. Each surged a bit as I passed. (Can’t let a pregnant woman pass us!) I don’t know why, but I wore a shirt that said, “Army.” People couldn’t help but stare at the pregnant army.

They also stared at the girls who hiked the whole trail in bikini’s three sizes too small.

I thought of asking one of them if my stomach was as flat as theirs–you know, as a joke. But, I knew my husband would be embarrassed if I engaged them in conversation.

In the end, the crowds were bearable because the weather was so sublime. Overcast. Windy. Cool. ish.

We found a spot along the path and watched for evidence of whale play.

The impact of water on rocks, the wind through the trees, the surf, the spray–the perfect calming and relaxing combination. I tuned out tourists, pretended to watch for whales, and pressed “RECORD” in my mind. It seemed the perfect soundtrack to play back to myself when I go into labor.

“Now, why are the whales here now?” I asked.

“Its the warm calm waves. The lack of predators. It is a safe place to have their babies,” said Jace.

How fitting.

I mentally filed the audio soundtrack under “Good Birthing Conditions.”

We took our time on the way back.

I passed another pregnant woman, on her way up. She was not passing people. I smiled at her for encouragement.

The house, when we got home, was stuffy, and hot. I cringed as I opened windows. I didn’t feeling like passing people anymore.

I felt like passing out.

And that’s what I mean, about my body feeling like it is decaying–aging.

I am a twenty six year old who feels eighty. My back aches. I waddle. There is a constant throb in my ankles. Muscle fatigue. I can hardly stand feeling so …unwieldy…

Is it the dancer in me? Confined to a leaded encasement and forced to deal with the officer of gravity?

Is it because I’ve never been known as the “pretty girl” or the “smart girl” but have always seen myself as the “strong girl” ?

They do tell tales, farm girl folklore, of how I was hired by farmers to haul hay because I could load two bales at once, and if I could do it, the useless city boys, suddenly, could do it.

There was a time, I carried my backpack loaded with scriptures and faith, along with my companions backpack loaded with scriptures….and….bricks?, and while she rested on unanswered porches, I reminded myself that being built like a pack horse was a blessing.

Is it because, the next four months, and events…

-two weeks without a husband. (Japan without me. The punk).

-Dr’s visits

-Delivering a baby: finding someone to watch Belle, praying there isn’t bad traffic, praying that all goes well…

-recovery. Two kids. recovery.

-Fly 16 hours there and back to find a house. Leave Belle with someone. (ohhhh. leave Belle with someone. Can I do it?)

-Organize house. Organize life. Clean house. Pack house.

-Send car across the ocean.

-Juggle newborn and toddler without a house.

-Fly to the mainland. Fly with two kids.

-Stop. Visit family.Cram a  years worth of “I miss you’s” into three weeks. Recover. Two kids.

-Fly to “home?!?!”

-unpack house.

-Breathe.

Would not be so hard to handle if I could, see my toes? Carry the toddler? Not need a nap? Pee less then six times a night? Not feel like I am decaying? Feel strong?

Stop.

Search for file.

Play.

Wind and Waves………..

Breathe. (in….out….)

I’ll be ok as long as my body doesn’t have to move.