This is my mom’s dog, and horse.

–Well, he is really a pony but that’s because he drank coffee as a foal and it stunted his growth. He also has small man’s disease and thinks that he is a Clydesdale. Anyway, the dog and the pony are friends. Really.

For some reason I keep coming back to this picture, thinking  that like some labored-over impressionistic art, that it has some deeper meaning. And, somehow that meaning fits with this post, though you will have to come to your own conclusion as to how they are incorporated.

You are X here.

You know those maps at the mall that are put in place on the rare chance that someone like me, who wasn’t born with a shopping beacon, needs directions to find their way from one end to the other? Usually, there is a big arrow pointing to the exact place that you are standing with the words, “You are X here.”

That is what the close of a year does for me.

This kind of confuses me, because I set goals all the time, and I therefore gawf at the idea of a “New Year’s Resolutions.”

This may be because there seems to be a lack of originality in the making of said resolutions (Loose weight, get out of debt, be “nicer”, eat healthier, ….run a marathon) and the vast majority of people who make these resolutions fail.

In fact, I almost feel superstitious about goals made at the beginning of the year–because I don’t want to fail.

Despite all of this, I feel like a phase has ended in my life. Like book shut, like case closed, like THE END. And it happened on day one of this new year.

Does it seem vain to feel so certain that a phase has ended, when in looking at this upcoming year so much will be the same?

-have a baby. (Again).

-pack my house send it across the ocean. (Again).

-find a new place to live. (Again).

-Survive plane rides with children. (Again).

-Move in to new house. (Again).

-Husband start new job. (Again).

-Find new doctor, dentist, grocery store, and friends. Change insurance, license plates, postal address, and habits. (Again).

-Start over. Period. (Again).

That my friends, is a lot of “agains”.

Now I am going to change the subject on you. I have been reading this really great book called, “The Artist’s Way.” by  Julia Cameron. In it she offers this pithy amuse bouche of her genius. She says in chapter 7  something so perfect for all you goal setting, resolve to do better, people that I just have to share it, because it might just give you an epiphany so loud, that even your two year old will say, “What was that noise?” (To which my two year old would then answer in all her potty trained, vocabulary rich, glory, “ITS A TOOT!” And it is a toot. An epiphonic toot.)

She writes, “Jealousy is a map.”

Whoa.

So I am looking at my life and the big “You are here” sign, and I know where I want to get to, and you are saying that jealousy is my map?

I always thought Jealousy was a bad thing.

So bad that we don’t admit to it.

Instead, we criticize those who have what we want. We whisper about the cruise that they went on, how skinny they are, how much time they spend on themselves, and how big a show off they are about running that marathon/being so successful with their business/having so many friends.

Goodness! Jealousy has a nasty guise doesn’t it?

And all it wants to do is to help you!

It wants to help you see what you want, but you think you cannot have.

Are all our desires good?

Perhaps not. Maybe we give our gimmes  shots of steroids and we really don’t need a $2, 000 handbag. (Notice how I picked something extravagant that I would never want because there is so much more detachment in doing that then admitting my own frivolous wants!)

However, begrudging someone because they are crazy successful might just mean….YOU WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL!

Griping about the friend who is too organized might just mean…YOU WANT TO BE MORE ORGANIZED!

Complaining that you don’t have enough money to fix your car and then demeaning the Jones’s new van might mean….(You spent too much on Christmas!) Oh wait, lets get back into the flow of things….Here we go: YOU WANT TO BE BETTER AT HANDLING YOUR MONEY SO THAT YOU CAN DO FUN THINGS AND STILL FIX YOUR CAR!

Can you see we are on a roll here?

Jealousy might just be telling you were to go.

Where is it? The gym? To a money management class? To a entrepreneur seminar? On a date? To library to become an expert on rocks?

Now, back to me. Where do I want to go? Well, Jealousy is telling me that I envy skinny people. Writing that just made me laugh because my ribs hurt already from being so rolly polly pregnant. I want to be skinny and still get to get thick wedge french fries. Can you make that happen?

I am also jealous of people who get to drop their kids off at their parents house so they can go on a date, or get a free meal whenever they please.

I am jealous of people who are confidant in their talents and assertive with their opinions.

I am jealous of motivation, success, and diligence.

I am jealous of people who live near mountains.

I am jealous of cool temperatures.

I am jealous of people who are not afraid to go into labor and who have babies “easily”.

I am jealous of people who don’t have emotional breakdowns when they are sleep deprived.

I am jealous of people who have better grammar and punctuation than I do.

I am jealous of people who have tame hair that looks nice.

I am jealous of people who get to dance for a living.

I am jealous of Stephine Meyer (Oie that was painful to admit) Shannon Hale, Aprilyne Pike, and Jackson Pearce because they beat me to my dream. (Even though they can’t write my story).

I am jealous of job security.

I am jealous of people who are outgoing and have a lot of friends.

Hmmmm. I didn’t mean to admit that much. And now that I have I am thinking of even more things that I really like about myself–which is a good thing. Still, the jealousy is there as a guide for me.  It helps me see some places to work on and an exact way to get  there.  It means I have to change habits, goals, and attitudes.

I can now be like a growth stunted pony and just keep eating this here grass.  Or, I can give slack to the lead and see where this dog takes me.

Happy 2010